What We Learn About (God’s) Love

What We Learn About (God’s) Love

Before my last semester of classes here at college, I had two open slots to take whatever I wanted, since I only needed three required classes but needed a total of 15 credits to graduate in a timely manner. I was tempted to take another art class, I’ll admit, but I chose to take Women’s Literature with one of my favorite professors (because it will be my last class with her… Getting sentimental here…) and a class I’ve wanted to take for a while, that’s only offered in Spring semester here: A class entirely on the works of C.S.Lewis.

Sounds like fun, huh? Well, it’s not exactly Chronicles of Narnia.

No, this class challenges you to think more deeply about your faith, and about what it means to truly love and be human. If you’ve seen part of my IG story on V Day, you’ll know how it’s impacted me JUST with The Four Loves. God’s been convicting and challenging me so much in this class, and I love it. He’s challenging me to give up some idolatrous things, or at least not make them idols/obsessions any more (as stated in an earlier post– this is one way I KNOW God’s trying to get my attention about SOMETHING, because He will VERY consistently put things in my life that all somehow have the same, very consistent message). He knows those things aren’t healthy for me, especially emotionally, and spiritually; He’s challenging me to beware of making pleasures gods, because, according to Lewis, they can very easily become demonic. O.O God’s also teaching me the different kinds of loves, not just romantic (eros, which, contrary to popular belief, does NOT have a specialty in the physical; it focuses on the loving the BELOVED, not their BODY– HUGE difference) and Agape, but philia (friendship), storge (affection), and charity, along with the differences between Gift-Love, Need-Love, Appreciative-Love (the last is the most selfless; you love someone or something just because, which is the attitude, along with charity, that we SHOULD have towards God and others), along with Need-Pleasures. Some friendships and even relationships, sadly, can be based off of Need-Pleasure; as soon as you no longer get pleasure from it, you toss that person aside– sad, but it can happen. It does happen. Lewis also talks about the power of love in true friendships; authority can actually be TERRIFIED of this love, because, if you think about it, some of the most powerful and influential groups in the world started off as just that– people who cared for each other, who shared common ideals and interests, whether good or bad, bonded together, and often changed the world. I think that it’s fascinating, in that sense. (And, also, yes– in a dangerous one, too. Depending on the group.)

(All this makes me wonder what Lewis would’ve had to say on Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.)

Lately, I’ve been thinking loving God properly. The book talks about how the Natural Loves can eventually be refined into Divine Gift-Love  and charity by grace; about how God is literally a Heavenly HOST Who creates His OWN parasites (us), because we literally feed off His Love. We need His love, we can’t live without it, but God can’t make us WANT to love Him in return. There’s a reason He didn’t make us robots, with no free will. Even though we can’t use the regular kind of Gift-Love to return His Love, and even the tiniest fraction of the Love He shows us, we CAN give Him the Love of our free will, and freely love Him in return.

This reminds me of… Actually, can I make a confession, first?

Some of you already know this, but I have Asperger’s. Most can’t tell, because I’ve been through therapy after therapy, gone through literally countless sessions and therapists, to try to reprogram my whole danged thought process and seem “normal.” I got fed up with it pretty quickly, namely because A., I didn’t like being treated like an experimental social monkey in a lab while they poked and prodded me to get me to do whatever they wanted (yes, I resisted; I was one of the few brave rebels of my Aspie generation– I have lived to tell the tale), and B., many, though not all, of my therapists simply treated me as part of their job, albeit with sugary sweetness, not as an actual human being who deserves dignity and respect (which I had and still have a major problem with).

Enter my one, and last, TSS, whom for privacy’s sake, I shall call “J.”

“J” was different from most of my therapists. Not having many friends due to public high school, and generally just being an overall social outcast, she and I soon bonded over fandoms, over silliness, over her just, well, treating me as a person. I mean, yeah, we talked about therapy stuff, but we also celebrated her birthday together (with a brownie cake). Invited her just to hang and chill. We could snark together like nobody’s business; she helped bring the sass out in me, the mentor out in me (which would reflect on several friendships with young ladies that I would have in the future). If I was happy about something, she was the first one I would want to tell about it. The FIRST. We did crafts together, went to Harry Potter movies together (after I got her hooked on the series), and I would tease her relentlessly about her stuffed bear that she’d had since her childhood, “Mr. Cuddles.” (The name alone would make me fall into fits of hysterics, given the right time and my mood.) She was more than a bestie or a TSS; she was like my older sister.

Then, tragedy struck.

“J” was faced with a proposition: She could let go, be free, go do whatever job she wanted, aside from being my TSS. In my moody early teens, I was shell-shocked. I thought she’d always want to be friends in, well, our way. But I decided I did not want to tie her down, I did not wish to hinder her. Forcing her to stay, though it was an option, was not friendship, if she did not want the actual job. And so I did the bravest, most selfless thing I could do, even though my inner Aspie was screaming at me to cling tighter than a tree-hugger: I let her go.

What hurt was that it seemed “J” would make no attempt to connect, to contact me, after I did it. It felt all for naught, and I questioned if our friendship had ever been real. Combined with having no friends, losing my beloved dog, Sonny, and transitioning from public school (social outcast) to homeschool (no friends, at the time) caused me to become seriously depressed. Fortunately, that wasn’t the end of my story (although it almost was…); I met several wonderful friends through homeschooling and even Taekwondo who loved me for me, and helped support me. I realized I had been far too dependent on “J,” and that I needed to reach out to other friends, to God, for more support. What was wrong, though, was that at the time I blamed “J” for it all, because I was deeply hurt and struggled to let go; I now understand her doing what she did, to a certain degree. I am now the age she was when we first met (she was 22, I was 12 at the time), and with college I am usually far too busy to contact people, although I wouldn’t put off contacting most people for months at a stretch, usually (I mean, I AM only ONE person…). These past two weeks alone have been just INSANELY busy (as in, I literally cannot get on social media AT ALL, or my academics will severely suffer for it), so I just have to hope and pray that most don’t take it personally, if I don’t contact them for a while. But it does hurt, to be on either side of the fence. Because I know; I know what it’s like to feel ignored like that. Believe me when I say that.

I also think God put that situation in my life because He wanted me to taste a pinch of how HE feels; when we first start off growing close together with Him, and doing our best to get to know Him, things are usually going great. But the farther we drift apart, the more we hurt Him, the more He longs for contact with us, but no, He doesn’t want to force it on us. We have to come back to Him, and love Him freely, lovingly. Just as I gave “J” the freedom of choice to stay or go (or even to stay in contact or not), God gives us the choice whether or not to stay. Whether or not to return His Love, and learn to Love Him properly, as well as learning all about Him in general, and everything He’s done for us.

So, allow me to ask you…

Will you stay? Or will you go?

(No, that was not a song reference.)

_______________________________

Image Cred:

https://goodstock.photos/open-bible-to-psalm-23/

 

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Mimi

When we first got you

You were a ball of

Fluff;

A giant stuffed animal

I could plop on my

Lap;

You loved your polar bear

Toy, tugging and chewing

With great joy…

Gone.

 

You grew and got bigger, and

Some swore

That they’d never, ever seen

A real polar bear

Before

You arrived at our door;

Rebelliously crossing the road, it’s

A miracle you weren’t flattened

Like a toad.

Gone.

Mimi4

Up on Moore Hill, surveying her kingdom

You ran away that one winter,

After a deer,

Or perhaps you stole someone’s fancy,

And they took you from here.

I was but 12,

I cried and cried;

I told Boopy I thought you had died.

Then you came back from the

Amish, praise the Lord;

And immediately began to play

With Boopy;

I guess you were bored.

Gone.

 

Remember when

You’d hunt groundhogs?

They were your prizes and

Delight;

Sometimes, I wonder,

If you stayed into the night

Hunting,

Bringing us your now-inanimate

Toys

Which were burned, lest you

Also use them

For perfume that

You think you earned.

Gone.

Mimi3

Investigating our fire pit up on Moore Hill. She would make a similar motion with groundhog holes, sticking her face inside, and shuffling it around until she found it.

 

You’d prance down to aunt Luella’s to

Kick up a fuss;

Treating their dogs’ turf as yours, making

A big ol’ ruckus.

You upheld the honorary rivalry

That came between the

Predecessors,

Dolly and Sparky.

Gone.

 

If I was sad,

You’d want to know why;

You didn’t understand,

But you could not

Stand

To see me cry.

You’d nuzzle

Me until I caved;

I stroked you until

Every drop of

Affection

I gave

Was yours.

Mimi5

In her usual position, in our front living room. 

 

You’d follow us hither and thither, through

Mountain and valley;

Herding your little “flock,”

Was right up your alley.

You’d always look back, always

Wait,

To ensure we were keeping up with

Your quick-trotting gait.

Through the years your pace slow’d,

And you had to keep up

With the ones you once show’d

The right way to go.

And then, suddenly

You could no

Longer go

Through the neighborhood,

To Grandma’s,

Even out in your snow.

Your hips hind’ring,

You struggled to

Rise;

You avoided even

The herd inside.

You wond’red

Where the

Little Herdlings went

If only I could show you

We were

Temporarily sent

To school, not

Forever

Gone.

Mimi1

Last day with Mimi– the Saturday the week before she was euthanized

 

They say there’s a

Place up there

For special animals, who

Were deeply cherish’d

With love and care.

A place where she can trot, and

Not worry about

If her bones rot;

A place where

She and Boopy can bark and play,

Angels joining in, forever and always.

She’ll follow a new Shepherd,

The One Who made her;

The One Who comforts her

Herd that was

Left behind.

 

Loved, yet never truly left.

Gone, but never forgotten.

 

In Loving Memory of Daisy “Mimi” Moore:

Great Prynees, pureblood, received from family friend Dr. Valez, the same doctor we received Boopy from. 

Euthanized Friday, 2nd February 2018 due to lymphoma, starvation (would not eat due to depression and tumors in throat), dehydration, dislocated hip and extreme suffering at approximately 4pm EST. 

Your Herd will always remember and love you deeply. May you find forever happiness with Dolly, Boopy, and Jesus. Rest in peace, and suffer pain no more. Sissy has always loved you, and always will. 

Mimi2